Have you ever had leftovers that you didn’t know what to do with? Sometimes you find it in the back of your refrigerator, unsure if it’s even edible? What can you do with it? Is it even worth saving? Are you worth saving?
I decided to move to New York City with my son’s father AFTER the first time he cheated on me. (Yes, it happened more than once.) And there is only one reason someone would do something as crazy as that – and that reason is no self worth. Of course it was my fault! I didn’t do enough. I didn’t love him enough. I wasn’t taking care of him well enough. I can make him love me! These lies that I told myself drove me down a never-ending road of ill-fated relationships, pills and alcohol that masked the emptiness I felt inside.
I became so numb that I could no longer even feel the razor blade cutting across the all too familiar visual reminders of every disappointment I endured. The cutting began at an early age actually, but without the pain, the only thing I achieved were fresh scars on top of old ones. But I continued to commemorate every heartbreak I suffered since childhood. They were like little tombstones on the insides of my thighs, one for every time I felt like I died inside. (This is probably the first time some of my closest friends and family will hear about my dirty secret past time.)
During this dark period of my life, I felt truly unworthy, truly alone, truly unloved and truly tossed aside and forgotten about. Trying to get love from someone who doesn’t have the time of day for you is like running after the carrot dangling in front of you not realizing it’s tied to your neck. When someone you thought you’d spend the rest of your life with betrays you in such a way, something inside eventually snaps. You do things you’d never thought you would do. People cope differently, but during those painful periods, all you hear is that lie; “You’re not worthy”. The truth is the God of the universe loves you so much and saw such great value in you that He sent His Son, Jesus, who willingly traded His throne in heaven, took what you deserved (punishment and death) and gave you what you did not deserve (mercy and grace) and gave you His FULL inheritance as the righteous Son of God. Even if you don’t know Him yet, He still has His eyes on you and He will never leave you, so don’t believe for a second that you are ever alone. He can and will make all things new!
“What’s wrong?” she says.
“I don’t know, I guess I’m tired cause I haven’t been able to sleep.” I’d say.
“Okay, I’ll come over. I’ll play with the baby, you can rest and we’ll watch a movie when he goes to sleep.”
For many nights, for several months maybe even a year or more, she would come over, help me with the baby, and simply sit with me until I fell asleep, cause apparently I couldn’t fall asleep when I’m alone. Then she would tidy up and quietly sneak out so I wouldn’t hear her leaving and waking me up. She not only took great care of me but also loved my baby. It’s because of her, I even have any pictures of him as a baby. People at the grocery store even thought he was hers! She not only helped me sell and pack up my belongings but also drove the 6 hours with me to NYC. I was never alone! That lie that I came to believe did not allow me to see this wonderful person who loved me so well. To this day, I know she still has my back and would drop everything if I needed her to. (I hope she’s reading this! You know who you are! I why you!)
“And the Lord God commanded the man, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.”
Even though God gave Adam and Eve permission to eat from any tree in the ENTIRE garden, why would they become so fixated on the one God says will kill them? They also came to believe a lie; that God doesn’t love me (why would He?) and He doesn’t have my best interest at heart. He has never tossed me aside and forgotten about me like my old leftovers. He was right there with me during each heartache. He saw and even knew how ashamed of my scars I was. When I finally saw Him by my side and got baptized, He healed my scars and made them disappear – all except for one, as a reminder of how GOOD and attentive He was and still is.
Who are some of the people or events in your life that this lie wouldn’t allow you to see? Share your stories in the comments below or on my facebook page @RebelsHeadChef.
For more about my life journey (struggling with self worth and hopelessness) and for more hope and faith for your own journey check out my blog The Rebels Kitchen.
You’re never alone! Much love and blessings!